


To Touch the Stars

by starfleetblues



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Gen, M/M, Sex, Starfleet Academy, Touch-Starved, wow i finally wrote something canon!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-02
Updated: 2014-03-28
Packaged: 2018-01-14 07:00:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1257184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starfleetblues/pseuds/starfleetblues
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Even a fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it won't keep the wise from trying." -Harry Anderson</p>
<p>Jim Kirk is a star, burning brighter than any that Leonard has ever seen before. And that is exactly why Leonard is wary of falling for Jim; the last time he met someone who burned half as bright as Jim, Leonard's heart was broken. Everyone knows the brightest stars burn the fastest, and that is exactly what Jim is going to do, Leonard believes. So he isolates himself in his studies at Starfleet and tries to ignore Jim.</p>
<p>But Jim isn't having it. Jim is a genius and realizes that Leonard is just as bright of a star as him, and needs to be brought to this realization. So Jim makes it his mission to make Leonard smile at least once a day.</p>
<p>This is the story of how James T. Kirk made Leonard H. McCoy realize how much he is loved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [iseult1124](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iseult1124/gifts).



> Because Heather is wonderful and spouted me this wonderful idea!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leonard McCoy is a grumpypants doctor. Everyone knows that, and no one is fool enough to try to cheer him up.  
> Except Jim Kirk is a genius. And geniuses are smart enough to know that you can't succeed if you don't try at least once. Or twice. Or almost every day for close to three years.   
> This is the story of how Leonard McCoy fell in love with Jim Kirk, the star he knew was going to burn faster, brighter, and longer than any other in the galaxy.

It was a commonly known fact at Starfleet Academy: Dr. Leonard McCoy was probably the grouchiest person you would ever meet in your life.

He was a good doctor, that was for damn sure, but he constantly chided you for every single bump and scrape, and when he really didn’t like you or he was in a really bad mood, he’d stab you extra hard with your hypo before stomping off. If he liked you or was in a good mood, you’d get stabbed a little gentler and maybe one of the nicer nurses would be assigned to your case. 

Whenever it was Jim Kirk on the receiving end of one of the hypo stabs, he’d shout before rolling his eyes and clapping a hand on Leonard’s shoulder.  
“We need to get you laid, Bones,” he’d declare every time with a smile. “Tonight, you and me are going to the bar and we’re going to get you laid.”  
Leonard would snort in response and Nurse Chapel would be assigned to Jim’s bed with instructions to give him no pain meds, no matter how much he begged.

The truth was, Leonard hadn’t been with anyone since his marriage to Jocelyn fell apart. His divorce had barely been finalized when he ended up in Nowhere, Iowa and on a shuttle to Starfleet, granted, but that was almost two years ago now. He had barely actually physically touched anyone in any sort of intimate way either- there were a few handshakes when he first began at the hospital, sometimes a steadying hand on a patient before applying a hypo, and Jim’s routine shoulder claps- but nothing even remotely personal outside of Jim. He hadn’t even hugged anyone since the last time he had seen Jo, just a few days before the papers were signed and he was out of Georgia for as long as he could be. 

And he was too damn grumpy to fuck some random cadet Jim picked out at the bar. No, if he was getting laid, he was going to do it proper, after being in a real relationship with someone he cared about. 

Problem was, he thought he was having feelings for his best friend. The type of feelings he hadn’t had since meeting Jocelyn in college. And there was no way he was going to ruin his friendship with Jim. 

It made sense, he supposed. Jim was the type of person to bump shoulders with you and grin as he crossed campus by your side when he was happy. Jim was the type of person to put his feet in Leonard’s lap on movie night. Jim was the type of person who had no personal space issues and would barge in the bathroom babbling about stubble and regulations and start shaving while Leonard was in the shower, and pat his best friend on the back while shaving with the other hand. Jim was the type of person who would trip and fall when walking into their dorm, and grab Leonard’s sleeve to catch himself instead of the doorframe. 

Leonard was annoyed at first, often grumbling about Jim’s lack of personal space issues and his chirpiness. After a while, though, he found himself not minding so much, and even leaning in to return the shoulder checks at times. He smiled occasionally now that he was sharing a room with Jim, but only in the comfort of their dorm, generally at one of Jim’s crazy antics that ended with him sprawled on the floor and shouting in pain from a turned ankle. He’d grouse about the irresponsibility of trying to retrain oneself to jump hurdles by leaping over the small couch, but he really didn’t mind treating the small injuries anymore. And Jim would smile sheepishly and thank the doctor, placing a hand on his arm or pulling himself up by Leonard’s wrist, and that, to Leonard, made it all worth it.

Leonard McCoy was the grumpiest bastard to ever enter into Starfleet and he was too grumpy to do anything to change it. Because he didn’t want to push away his only friend, he would rather stay a grumpy, touch starved bastard as long as he could.

It wasn’t really a surprise anymore when Jim came stumbling into their shared dorm at ungodly hours of the morning, completely drunk, sometimes with a bloody nose or split knuckles, It was those mornings that Leonard was at his most tender, shaken awake by a rueful Jim whose nose was dripping blood onto the blond’s boots slowly. It was those mornings that Leonard would be reminded of why he was falling in love with the idiot. 

It was not one of those mornings when Leonard woke up to find Jim in his bed, glommed onto he doctor’s side and fast asleep. Leonard had to crack a small smile- after all, Jim was never really one to show affection quite so obviously - usually it came in smaller gestures - and Leonard felt like someone loved him for the first time since his divorce. He gently peeled the blond’s arms off of his chest and wrangled his legs out from Jim’s- how the hell Jim managed to not wake him up, Leonard didn’t know- and changed into his scrubs, slipping out the door for the hospital with coffee in hand.

He went to work with a smile on his face for the first time since he came to Starfleet. Every patient he treated asked the nurses if something was wrong with him, and they all just shrugged. They decided that they liked when Leonard was in a good mood, and vowed to try to get it to happen more often.

\--------

It became common for Leonard to find Jim draping an arm over his shoulder when they were sitting on the couch, or to wake up with Jim pressed up against him in the bed. 

“You’re okay with this, right, Bones?” Jim asked softly one night, his head leaning on Leonard’s shoulder as he half-watched some 21st-century action film about comic book superheroes, a carton of pad thai in his hand.

Leonard scoffed and dropped his chopsticks into his own carton of lo mein. “Kid, if I wasn’t okay with you smushing yourself on top of me, I would have said something a long time ago. I’m not okay with you talking during The Avengers, though, so shut up.”

Jim snuggled deeper into Leonard’s shoulder, happy to eat his takeout in silence and listen to the film.

“Bones?” he asked softly as the credits began to roll a while later. “Do you think...”

“Do I think what, kid?”

Jim shook his head and sat up, dropping the empty takeout carton on the table. “Nevermind. It’s just something dumb.”

Leonard huffed and rolled his eyes. “Jim, you and I both know that it’s gonna eat at you for days, so spit it out.”

Jim sighed. “I was talking to Gaila the other day, and you know, Orions have that whole ‘love radar’ thing or whatever. She said that the person I felt so strongly about...” he paused, searching for the right words, “She said that that person returns my feelings just as strongly. Do you think he might?” His impossibly blue eyes met Leonard’s hazel for the first time all night.

“I think he just might,” Leonard whispered, leaning in closer to the blond and gently pressing his lips to Jim’s. Leonard had wondered for a long time what Jim’s lips would feel like pressed against his own, lain awake and imagined the softness at night, but Jim’s lips were better than he had ever imagined. They were soft and warm and alive, responding to Leonard’s own as Jim’s hand slid into the doctor’s dark hair and pulled them closer together. 

“I think I love you, Bones,” Jim murmured in between kisses.

Leonard just kissed him harder.

Jim got the message to shut up.

Leonard woke up the next morning with Jim in his bed, which he was used to. What he wasn’t used to was being in Jim’s arms. It wasn’t like the first time he had found Jim in his bed, when the blond clung to him like an octopus- this time, Jim was holding Leonard to his chest, his entire body pressed against the doctor’s. Leonard smiled and turned his head to press a kiss to Jim’s forehead, watching the blue eyes slowly blink open.

“Hey,” Leonard whispered.

“Hi,” Jim grinned. “Got a shift at the hospital to go to?”

Leonard sighed. “Yeah. Are you going to unwrap your arms from me?”

Jim kissed him before unwinding his arms. “Dinner tonight?”

“We got takeout last night, Jim. That’s not healthy to do too many nights in a row.” Leonard frowned.

“No, like, at a restaurant.” Jim ran a hand through his hair and sat up.

Leonard mirrored his second action. “Like a date?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“I’d love to.” Leonard reached over to kiss Jim quickly before sliding out of bed to grab his white medical uniform. “I’m off at 1600. Meet at the Italian place off campus?”

“Sounds good,” Jim chirped. “Around 1700?”

“Absolutely,” Leonard called as he pulled the door open. “I’ll comm you when I’m done tonight.”

Jim flopped back on the bed with a smile, content to stay in the mess of blankets for a while more before he had to finish his xenolinguistics paper. 

\--------

They fell into a routine quickly- through the week, they would go to class and work, and come home and curl up together in the beds they had shoved together. On weekends, Leonard would go to the hospital, and they would go to dinner or sometimes a movie, trading kisses and holding hands everywhere they went. 

Leonard was comfortable, and after a while, he would be the one to initiate the contact, reaching for Jim’s hand or pulling him into a kiss. And Jim was content to take things slow- he understood that Leonard needed time before he would sleep with Jim, no matter how much Jim wanted it to happen as soon as they could. They took baby steps from base to base- making out on the couch, handjobs, blowjobs, just laying together naked. 

It was in their third year at the Academy that Leonard finally said it, while they were making out on the couch. “I want you to fuck me,” he gasped out between kisses, and Jim stopped.

“You sure, Bones?”

“Absolutely,” he growled, and Jim grinned.

“Bed. Now,” the blond ordered, but instead of waiting for his lover to get up, he took advantage of the legs wrapped around his waist and hoisted the doctor up, stumbling through the room while Leonard sucked on his neck. Jim dropped Leonard on the bed on his back and started pulling their clothes off.

“God, Jim,” Leonard breathed when the blond finally tumbled into the bed after they were both naked. “I’ll never get over how beautiful you are.”

“You don’t even know, Bones,” Jim said as he mouthed across Leonard’s chest. “You’re far prettier than I am.”

“Shut up and stop teasing, asshole,” Leonard gasped as Jim latched onto his collarbone. “Oh, God,”

Jim grinned and lifted Leonard’s hips to slide a pillow underneath before he slid farther down Leonard’s chest, stopping when he passed his lover’s dick and pressing his lips to the insides of Leonard’s thighs. He quickly reached over to find the lube he had stashed a few weeks ago, just in case Leonard was ever ready, and squirted a healthy dose on his fingers before pressing one in slowly to Leonard’s asshole, hearing his groan and checking to see if the doctor was fine.

“I swear to god, if you don’t hurry up, I’ll wipe your medical records and bring you in for a round of hypos. My own fingers have been up there before, it ain’t gonna break,” Leonard growled, and Jim smiled. 

“Whatever you say, doc,” he replied, crooking his finger to swipe Leonard’s prostate and enjoying the gasp he got in response. He circled his finger several more times and slid a second one in, scissoring and stretching, occasionally brushing up against the small organ and enjoying Leonard’s noises; when Jim pushed a third finger in, Leonard groaned again and Jim knew it was time. 

He slicked himself up and aligned the head of his cock, slowly pushing in and keeping eye contact with Leonard the entire time. When he bottomed out, he reached up to kiss Leonard, trapping the doctor’s penis between their abdomens. Jim pulled back and rocked back in, setting a slow rhythm before he felt Leonard’s hands gripping his ass. It wasn’t long before they moved to Leonard’s own cock, moving in time with Jim’s thrusts. 

“O- oh god,” Leonard stuttered. “Jim, I- I’m gonna-” He didn’t finish his sentence before his orgasm washed over him, and that was all it took for Jim to reach his release too. 

When they finally slid apart and Jim rolled out of the bed to trudge into the bathroom and get a washcloth, he found Leonard on his back and sprawled across the entire mattress, a dopey grin plastered on his face. 

“That was incredible, Jim,” he mumbled happily, and Jim laughed as he started wiping them both up.

“I should hope so. Scoot over, old man,” he replied, dropping the washcloth on their floor and crawling into bed next to Leonard, who just huffed and let Jim wrap his body around the doctor’s. 

“I love you, kid,” Leonard whispered as he drifted off. Jim didn’t reply, merely pressed a kiss to the older man’s shoulder. 

“Good, because I love you too, Bones,” he murmured into the flesh, but he knew that Leonard had heard him, because he felt the doctor slide just a little closer to his boyfriend before they both sank into sleep. 

\--------

Six weeks later, Leonard was assigned to the Enterprise and Jim was having a severe allergic reaction to the vaccine for Movarian Mud Fleas, and Leonard was remaining remarkably calm on the outside for someone whose heart was about to fly out of his chest. 

Six weeks and a day later, Leonard was the Chief Medical Officer of the Enterprise and Jim was her acting captain while Leonard was trying to save Pike’s spine and life. 

Six weeks and two days later, Leonard collapsed onto the bed in the CMO’s quarters to realize that he hadn’t seen Jim in twenty-four hours. “Computer, locate crewmember James Kirk,” he called as he rolled off the bed, finding his sweatpants he knew had been brought aboard with the crew’s personal effects.

“Acting Captan Kirk is currently in the Captain’s ready room,” the cool female voice replied. 

Leonard sighed and went to go pull Jim away from his paperwork for at least a couple hours of sleep, ignoring all the glances he got from wearing his thinning Ole Miss sweatpants and regulation undershirt in the halls. 

He found Jim dropping off on a video call. Leonard placed his hand on Jim’s arm and respectfully told Admiral Archer that as the physician responsible for the acting captain’s care, he was going to put Jim to bed and they could talk later.

“”hanks, B’nes,” Jim mumbled as Leonard guided him down the hall to the doctor’s quarters. 

“Anytime, Jim,” Leonard replied softly as he tapped his passcode in. He had to half-drag Jim to the bed, where the acting captain collapsed and succumbed to sleep before the doctor could even offer to lend him a pair of sweatpants.

“Lights off,” Leonard ordered before wrapping his arms around Jim and allowing sleep to claim him too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim's star has grown brighter than ever before, and now it's beginning to dim. Jim doesn't notice it, claims he feels fine, but Leonard thinks different. Leonard worries that Jim could collapse in on himself at any second, and he stays away to prevent being dragged down in the black hole that Jim may become.  
> This is the story of how James T. Kirk realizes how much he truly loves Leonard H. McCoy and everything Leonard does for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God bless Heather. This part was so tricky in places, but once I got each separate part flowing, I think I really got them all working together. I loved doing this!  
> My language ramps up a bit towards the end, just a warning!  
> I could have taken this in so many directions, and I considered so many of them when I was writing, but ultimately, I like this one best. Though I do have an alternate in mind if I were to write an AU of this (would that be too totally meta?)...  
> Also, this part got a little out of hand (Notice the insane length jump???), so sorry for the length!

Less than six months later, it was official. Jim was the Captain of the USS Enterprise, and Leonard was her CMO. They were space bound, and because Jim was uncontrollably excited, so was Leonard. It was a great setup- when they had the same shift, they’d sleep together, and when they weren’t, they could both retire to their separate quarters to not disturb the other. The officers’ quarters were thoughtfully soundproofed, which they were extremely grateful for.

Jim was just as outwardly affectionate in public, albeit in more appropriate ways. Shoulder claps on the bridge, finding excuses to brush his fingers against Bones’, lingering when he brought PADDs down for the CMO to sign. 

So when Jim asked him to accompany him to the surface of Nibiru, who was Leonard to decline?

If only he had known what was going to come next.

The trip to the planet went fine, until Jim’s initial plan to get all the natives away from the volcano by explaining an eruption in crude pictures failed, and they found themselves sprinting through the forest with some sort of sacred scroll and the entire colony attempting to kill them.

“They’re trying to kill us! They’re trying to kill us, Jim!” Leonard yelled frantically as they dashed through the woods. _There had better be some damn good make up sex from him for dragging me into this mess,_ he thought as he jumped over a fallen tree. 

“I know!” Jim yelled back. _Christ, Bones, I’m the one who stole the fucking scroll. I know they’re pissed off,_ he thought.

“Jim, the beach is that way!” _I swear to God, if you say what I think you’re going to-_

“We’re gonna jump!” _Bones is gonna kill me for this._

“What?” _I really, really fucking hate you, you asshole._

But then Leonard was falling through the air, remembering that they had wetsuits on just before they plummeted into the water. And when they entered the airlock and Leonard finally got to see Jim in the wetsuit not submerged, it was worth the entire trip. 

“I’ll go on any number of away missions with you if it means I can see you in that wetsuit again,” Leonard commented as they struggled out of the skintight fabric hours later. 

Jim raised an eyebrow. “You’ll go with me anyway to make sure I don’t kill myself, and you know it.”

“True, but I’d be much more willing if I knew I was going to get that view of your ass again,” Leonard replied, and Jim smirked. 

“Would you rather have a view of me in the wetsuit or me naked?” he asked, finally peeling the suit completely off and standing there naked.

“The wetsuit,” Leonard teased, struggling to finish pulling his own off, but allowing Jim to push him backwards until his knees made contact with the bed. 

“Careful,” Jim warned lightly. “I could have you thrown in the brig for insulting your Captain.”

Leonard scoffed. “You need me too much. If you put me in the brig, you’d be going insane up there with Spock.” 

“True,” Jim mused, pressing kisses along Leonard’s collarbone. “I do enjoy the sight of you two bickering.”

“You love the sight of my ass in my uniform pants,” Leonard replied, gasping as Jim’s lips fastened on his nipple.

“Also true. Now, how about you shut up and let me blow you?”

Leonard’s mouth clamped shut and Jim smiled sweetly up at him from the floor as he fastened his pink lips around the head of Leonard’s cock. 

\--------

“Jim, why the hell are we being summoned back to San Francisco?” Leonard frowned as the captain bounced excitedly around their quarters.

“Isn’t it obvious? They’re going to give us the five-year mission!”

“What makes you so sure?”

“Because I’m awesome! C’mon, Bones, that’s exciting. Deep space! Uncharted territory!”

“New diseases and dangers around every corner,” Leonard groused as Jim froze in his literal dancing around the room, arms flung wide.

“I’m going to go see how much longer we’ve got until we reach Earth,” Jim said quietly. “Spock and I need to be in full dress uniform when we arrive for our meeting with Admiral Pike.”

“Jim, wait,” Leonard said desperately. “I- I didn’t mean it like that. I just worry, you know? My job is to keep everyone on this ship healthy, and it’s hard to do that when you keep dragging us into situations where we don’t know what’s going on. Like deep space.”

Jim sighed and moved back towards Leonard, kissing his boyfriend gently. “I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be so excited about it. I guess I just want to do something worthwhile for Starfleet, and charting deep space is fascinating to me.”

“I know, darlin, I know,” Leonard said, leaning his forehead against Jim’s. “I just don’t want anyone getting hurt. And you know I ain’t exactly the biggest fan of space, so 5 years up here don’t really appeal to me. But I’m not gonna let you be held back by me, so if you get it, you better damn well take it. And I sure as hell ain’t gonna let you spend 5 years up here with only Spock, so I’ll learn to love it.”

Jim smiled and kissed Leonard deeper before pulling out his comm. “Kirk to Bridge.”

“Bridge here, Captain. Is there a problem?” Nyota’s voice asked, a little bit surprised. Jim usually ran around the ship like a madman if he needed something, not bothering to comm the bridge when he could just walk up there.

“Not at all,” Jim assured her, his hand making it’s way around Leonard’s waist. “I simply wanted to know how much longer it will be before we reach Earth.”

“Sulu says we have an hour and a half left in before we’ll be able to dock at Earth, Captain.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant,” Jim said with a smile. “Kirk out.” He flipped his comm closed and pulled Leonard closer, kissing him deeply. “Well, looks like I’ve got plenty of time before I need to put on my dress uniform.”

“And you can bet your ass that I’m making the most of every single minute,”Leonard growled, shoving Jim towards the bed as he pulled his own shirt off.

\--------

“They’re taking the Enterprise from you, Jim,” Pike said as Jim stood in stunned silence. “They’re sending you back to the Academy.”

When Jim left the Starfleet Headquarters, no longer a Captain but a Commander, he was crushed. He didn’t know what to do, so he pulled his comm out. “Kirk to McCoy,” he said wearily.

“McCoy here. You okay, Jim?” Leonard answered instantly.

“Did you get our old apartment set back up like you planned to?”

“Yeah, but I’m on a grocery run now. Why?”

“Meet me there in twenty minutes.”

When Jim finally tapped his access code into their apartment, Leonard was sitting on their couch and reviewing a PADD, but he looked up when he heard the door slide open.

“Jim? What’s wrong?” The doctor jumped off the couch to embrace the former Captain. “Tell me what happened, darlin’,” he soothed, and he felt Jim’s head burrow into his shoulder. 

“They demoted me,” Jim mumbled into Leonard’s shoulder. “Spock filed a report and Starfleet demoted me. They took my stripe and they took the Enterprise from me, Bones. I’m being sent back to the Academy. Bones, they took everything but you.” Jim’s arms tightened around Leonard’s waist, and he began to cry. 

“Oh, Jim,” Leonard whispered, one hand moving to Jim’s hair in an attempt to soothe him. “Jim, I am so sorry. I never would have expected this. But if you’re grounded, I’m grounded. I’m not gonna leave you, kid.”

“I love you, Bones,” Jim whispered after minutes of silence, after he was done crying. It was funny, he thought, how he had always been the one to initiate their touches at first, and now Leonard was the one comforting him by touching him first. If this is how relationships work, Jim thought, I want to stay in this one forever.

“I love you too, kid,” Leonard said softly, still holding Jim up.

When Jim finally straightened himself and stepped back, Leonard allowed it. He knew Jim was going to need to cope in his own way, and as long as it was healthy, Leonard was going to allow it. 

“I’m gonna go for a run,” Jim said, unzipping his jacket and moving towards the bedroom. “Do you need me to grab anything while I’m out?”

Leonard shook his head and followed Jim. “I just got back from the store, we’re good. What do you want for dinner?”

Jim shrugged and pulled on a worn t-shirt that Leonard knew was from Riverside High School, even though the letters were too faded to read and Jim wouldn’t admit it. “You’re a decent cook, surprise me. Pasta, I’m kind of thinking.”

“Pasta it is,” Leonard agreed as he watched Jim pull on his shoes, peck his boyfriend on the cheek, and jog out the door.

\--------

Jim went out to the bar after dinner, promising he’d just get one and come home when he had cleared his head. His whiskey arrived quickly, and he was grateful. The girl down the bar smiled at him- the media had built up a false reputation of Jim’s promiscuity for unknown reasons, completely ignoring his long-term relationship with another man. It happened to Jim all the time, and he was going to slide over to politely explain when Pike plopped down right next to him.

“How’d you find me?” Jim asked, only mildly surprised.

“I know you better than you think, kid,” Pike scoffed. “First time I met you was in a dive like this. Remember that? You had napkins hangin’ outta your nose.”

“Yeah, that was a good fight,” Jim mused, and Pike sighed.

“See, Jim, that’s your problem. You can’t admit when you’re in over your head. I’m surprised Leonard hasn’t punched you yet for being so reckless.”

There was a pregnant silence before Pike spoke again. “They gave her back to me. The Enterprise.”

Jim was stunned. “Congratulations,” he finally managed to say. “Watch your back with that First Officer, though.” He wasn’t going to forgive Spock anytime soon for throwing him under the bus, if at all.

“Spock’s not gonna be my First Officer,” Pike said, almost amused. “You’re gonna be my First Officer.”

“What?”

“I know. Marcus took some convincing, but I told him that if anyone deserved a second chance, it’s Jim Kirk.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Jim said honestly, and Pike laughed. 

“That is a first,” he said before his comm beeped. “Emergency meeting at Daystrom. Senior command of all vessels in the region. That’s us, kid. Suit up.” He clapped Jim on the back before standing up and leading the way out of the bar, crowd parting before the Starfleet Admiral uniform. 

\--------

“Bones! What’d you do with my uniform?”

“What?”

“My dress uniform! Where is it?” Jim asked as he jogged into the bedroom, already pulling his jacket off.

“I hung it up for you in the closet. Jim, what’s going on?” Leonard asked, sitting up. “I thought you lost the ship.”

“I did, but Pike got her, and convinced Marcus to let me be his First Officer. An emergency meeting was just called at Daystrom, senior command of all ships in the area. That’s me, Bones,” Jim rattled off as he tugged his creased pants on.

“I’m confused as all hell, darlin’, quite frankly,” Leonard admitted, and Jim laughed as he pulled his black undershirt on. 

“Me too, Bones,” he replied, leaning over to kiss his boyfriend quickly. “I gotta run. I’ll comm you when I’m on my way home.”

“Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“Be careful,” Leonard said softly. “You seem to attract danger, kid.”

Jim mock saluted the doctor from the doorway. “Will do, Bones.”

Leonard never expected a comm two hours later from a still-crying Jim that Pike was dead and all hell had just broken loose.

\--------

“Forty-eight hours,” Leonard said as he collapsed in his office chair. “Dammit, kid, we weren’t even up there for forty-eight hours before you went and did something stupid.

Pike was dead and gone, and when Jim came into Leonard’s medbay he was the same. And Leonard had spent six hours synthesizing enough of a serum from Khan’s blood to create enough to save his Captain, the worst six hours of his life.

He hadn’t slept in twenty-four hours, and was covered in blood from other injured patients. But he had vowed to not rest until Jim specifically was alright, and he at least had a pulse, no matter how weak, Leonard acknowledged. 

Christine knocked on the door to his makeshift office, and he waved her in. “What’s happening, Chapel?” he asked wearily, and she sighed.

“Sir, with all due respect, you need to go back to your apartment, or at least one of the beds in the back. You need to sleep, at least for a few hours.”

Leonard shook his head. “I can’t. There are too many patients who are too critical and Jim might have an adverse reaction to the serum and-”

Christine cut him off with a hand on his arm. “Len, the most severe patients have been treated and stabilized. The captain is improving, slowly. Get some rest. If we need you, we’ll comm you, so leave it on.”

“Thank you, Christine,” he said, leaning in to kiss her cheek. “If Jim declines at all, tell me immediately. Got it?”

“Got it,” she affirmed with a nod before shooing him towards the door. “Now go get some rest.”

Leonard didn’t think he’d be able to sleep, but after a sonic shower and disposal of his blood-soaked uniform, exhaustion set in and propelled him into a dreamless sleep in the surprisingly comfortable cot in the back of the hospital.

\--------

The senior crew meet in Spock and Nyota’s apartment a week after they return to Earth. Jim’s been stabilized for six days, with no change at all, and Leonard really, really needs a drink.

“Doctor McCoy, may I inquire as to the captain’s condition?” Spock asks when they’re all seated on the couches and floor of the living room, drinks in hand.

“For the last time, I’ve told you to call me Leonard, Spock, we’re off duty. Last I saw him, Jim hadn’t improved much. His cells have been heavily irradiated, so even with that blood transfusion, it’s going to take him a long time to heal. I don’t know if he’ll ever be completely the same,” Leonard finishes quietly, and Nyota gently places a hand on his shoulder. 

“He’ll be okay, Leonard,” she reassures him. “He’s in the best hands there is. He wouldn’t want anyone other than you to take care of him.”

“Thanks, Nyota,” Leonard says wearily, knowing she’s right. ‘It’s going to be a long haul, though.”

Silence falls over the room completely. They all know the truth behind Leonard’s statement. It’s going to take a long time for all of them to heal from their own experience, and it’s going to take longer for the repairs to the Enterprise to be completed. 

“Aye, that it is,” Scotty finally says. “In many ways.”

He raises his glass in a silent toast, a nod to Jim, the Enterprise, and the crew all in one, and they all follow, understanding without needing a single word.

Leonard leaves by 2200 for an 0700 shift, and he sleeps as fitfully as he has been since they got home. He dreams of Jim being home and healthy, laughing in their kitchen in his pajamas before Jim falls over dead from a heart attack. Or maybe it was leftover radiation poisoning this time. Or possibly some weird blood-borne disease. Leonard doesn’t know, but it was the same dream he always had. He always awoke in a cold sweat before his alarm went off at 0600, and every single day, he went to the hospital early to go sit in Jim’s room.

He sat there every morning before his shift started, and he sat there every evening after he got off. Sometimes he talked, sometimes he just sat there, comforted by Jim’s presence and the steady beep, beep, beep of the cardiac monitor on the biobed. 

This was a talking day, he decided as he sat down in the chair near Jim’s bedside, clutching a cup of coffee.

“I miss you, Jim,” he starts, clearing his throat. “I really do. The senior crew met last night for drinks. We toasted to you and the Enterprise, you know.”

_Beep, beep. I know,_ Leonard thinks it’s Jim saying. 

“We just need you to get better, kid. We can’t do it without you. I can’t do it without you. Come back to us, please. Take your time, but just promise me that you’ll come back.”

_Beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep. I will, so quit worrying, old man._ Beep, beep, beep. Bones, I’ll be fine.

\--------

And he is, somehow. Jim wakes up two weeks after the day he died, surfacing from the coma with no more struggle than waking up from a nap. 

“Don’t be so melodramatic,” Leonard jokes. “You were barely dead. It was the transfusion that really took it’s toll. You were out for two weeks,” he adds, waving his tricorder over Jim’s face.

Jim blinks a couple times in confusion. “Transfusion?”

“Your cells were heavily irradiated, I had no choice. I synthesized a serum from Khan’s... Super blood. Tell me, are you feeling homicidal, power-mad, despotic?”

“No more than usual,” Jim assures. 

They both know that’s the only way they can talk while Leonard’s on shift, not talking completely seriously without breaking down in front of each other. Because truthfully, Jim’s confused, and a little bit scared, not that he’ll ever admit to it. And Leonard’s a wreck, having just watched the man he loves die and come back to life only because of the good doctor’s quick thinking. 

But Spock enters before they can speak more, and Leonard knows when Spock and Jim need to speak alone. He pretends to be checking the data the tricorder has given him against what the biobed is producing while they speak, and takes his leave when he realizes that Jim doesn’t fully appreciate what Leonard has done for him. 

_I’ll come back later,_ Leonard thinks bitterly as he slides out the door. 

When he does, Jim is fast asleep, and Leonard can’t blame him, honestly. So he goes home and plans to return again in the morning, as he always does. 

\--------

Leonard sits by Jim’s bed again and waits for him to wake up. When the blond finally does, he smiles as he sees Bones sitting by his bed.

“Hey,” he says, voice scratchy. “What are you doing here?”

Leonard shrugs. “See you. Talk to you. I do this every morning.”

“Really?” Jim’s surprised. “That’s really... You didn’t have to do that, Bones. Not for me.”

“I wanted to, Jim,” Leonard says, and he sighs. “You just don’t get it. I love you, and I wanted to be here with you. I didn’t sleep until you had a heartbeat again. I worked so hard to save you, and yesterday, you just brushed me off.” He glances at the clock that tells him he’s five minutes late, and he stands up. “I’ve got to go,” he mutters, and stomps out of the room, leaving Jim confused and exhausted on the biobed, shouting futilely after his boyfriend. 

“Bones! Come back here! Bones! Goddammit,” he swears under his breath, collapsing back on the pillows and deciding going back to sleep was probably his best option. 

\--------

Except when Leonard comes back, he isn’t quite as cheerful as Jim had hoped. He comes in looking overworked and exhausted, ranting about how some Vulcan civilian came in with chocolate poisoning and how a race that’s supposedly so intelligent shouldn’t be dumb enough to consume nearly a kilo of one of the most dangerous substances to them. Jim just smiles and lets the doctor rant as he bustles around checking all the machines hooked up to Jim and inputs all the numbers into his PADD. 

Leonard sighs and sinks into his chair when he’s done. “’m sorry, Jim,” he says, more into his hand than anything else. “I just... It’s been a hell of a week, and I’m really stressed out. I didn’t mean to get so defensive this mornin’, darlin’.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Jim smiles, reaching out for Leonard’s hand. “It’s my fault, Bones. I know you wanted to be here with me, and it probably made you feel a lot better. Just... No one’s ever done anything like that for me before.” 

Leonard doesn’t take the hand, leaning back instead. “No one I love has ever died for me either. I think this is a special set of circumstances.” 

Jim cracks a smile at that. “Fair enough. I guess I just didn’t realize you were spending so much time by my bedside. It was kind of surprising.”

“Shouldn’t be,” Leonard says quietly. “People should have been there during your childhood. You should have had someone to take care of you.”

“I’ve got you now, and that’s more than I’ll ever deserve,” Jim says in complete seriousness, and Leonard knows it’s true when his eyes meet Jim’s. But then Jim yawns, and the moment is broken. “Think I’m gonna go back to sleep now, Bones,” Jim murmurs, his eyes already fluttering closed.

Leonard nods and stands up. “Sounds good, darlin’. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“G’night, Bones,” Jim mumbles, and Leonard slips out the door with a smile on his face for this first time since returning to the Enterprise from Nibiru.

\--------

Jim’s discharged a week later, only because he’ll be going home with a doctor and he won’t stop asking when he can leave. Leonard brings him sweatpants and an oversized sweatshirt, slipping him out of the hospital in the middle of the night to avoid the press that waits outside the hospital every day. 

“Do you want to walk, or should I grab you a wheelchair?” Leonard asks worriedly as M’Benga gets Jim out of the bed and tells him to change quickly.

“I can walk,” Jim says as he pulls the sweater over his head and slips his sandals on. “Just stay close in case I fall,” he adds quietly, and Leonard nods. 

“I’m taking the next two weeks off from the hospital, emergency calls only. You’ll have me for anything you need,” Leonard says as they begin the walk out to the car Starfleet has provided him with for the duration of their grounding. “And no, that does not include blowjobs as soon as we get home,” he adds, walking a step behind Jim to make sure he doesn’t stumble. “Take the turbolift to the first floor.”

Jim’s silent until they make it to the car, when M’Benga leaves them and Jim gets himself buckled into the passenger seat.

“You okay, Jim?”

“Yeah, just tired,” he replies. “Can we get some actual food on the way home? I’m sick of that replicated hospital stuff.”

“Of course,” Leonard says easily as he starts up the car. “What do you want?”

“Thai? Get it to go and eat at home?”

“Absolutely,” Leonard says as he reaches into his pocket for his phone. “Call the usual place and tell them to rush our order.”

“Okay,” Jim nods and punches in the number, speaking easily in Thai to the owners and placing their order quickly, throwing an extra couple of phrases in. “Fifteen minutes,” he tells Leonard when he hangs up. “I got some egg rolls too, this time. I hope that’s okay.”

“Jim, I don’t care. You just got out of the hospital. As long as you don’t eat terribly every day, I’m not going to get mad. You exercise more than enough,” Leonard assures him, turning the car out of the hospital lot and towards downtown. “What do you say to watching a movie and eating in bed?”

“You never let me eat in bed,” Jim says, staring at Leonard, who just shrugs.

“Special circumstances, I guess,” the doctor says. “What movie do you want to watch?”

It’s Jim’s turn to shrug. “I dunno. What about that one with the kaiju or whatever from a while back?”

“Pacific Rim? I thought you didn’t like that one,” Leonard says, looking over at Jim.

“It’s a little far-fetched, I think, but I know you like it,” Jim says softly. “And I won’t be upset if I fall asleep watching it.”

“As long as that’s alright with you, darlin’. If you want to watch something else, go right ahead. What about your... X-Men or something?”

“Seen ‘em,” Jim says simply, looking out the window as Leonard turns the corner. “Do you want me to go in and get the food with you?”

“If you want to,” Leonard says, pulling into the lot. “Your Thai is much better than mine, but if you want to stay here, that’s fine.”

Jim reaches over to unbuckle his seatbelt. “I’ll come in. It’ll be nice to see May and her family again.”

Leonard nods. “Okay. We’ll just stay for a minute or two and then I’ll take you home. You seem pretty tired.”

“Yeah, little bit,” Jim lies. Truthfully, he knows he’s going to get home, eat about three bites, and go to sleep, but he doesn’t want to admit it. 

So Leonard steers the conversation into going home when it looks as if May is wanting to talk to them for a while again, and Jim flashes him a grateful smile. The captain yawns hugely as soon as the door is safely shut behind him, and Leonard’s thankful the Thai restaurant is only a few minutes drive from their apartment complex when Jim looks as though he’s about to fall asleep right in the car. 

“T’nks, Bon’s,” Jim mumbles after he’s managed to propel himself into their apartment and collapse into the bed. He’s muffled by the pillow, but Leonard knows what he means.

The doctor sits at his desk reviewing PADDs until he knows Jim is asleep, which doesn’t take long. He contemplates squeezing Jim’s hand knowing that the blond won’t wake if he were, but he’s scared. He’s scared he’s going to hurt Jim. Maybe not necessarily by contact, but somehow, someway, he knows he’s going to hurt Jim. Physically, mentally, somehow, he doesn’t know. It’s better if he waits until Jim is stronger, he decides. 

“You’re welcome, Jim,” he whispers, snagging a blanket off the end of the bed and laying down on the couch, knowing he’ll finally be able to sleep at least somewhat peacefully for a few hours before Jim awakes.

\--------

Leonard’s awoken at 0817 by a crash, the smoke alarm screeching, and the sounds of Jim cursing from the kitchen.

“SHIT!”

“Jim? What the hell is going on?” Leonard dashes into the kitchen, still in his scrubs from yesterday, sliding on the floors. Jim’s covered in batter of some sort and there’s smoke rising from what the doctor can only presume is the old fashioned waffle maker Nyota bought for Jim’s 28th birthday.

“Um,” Jim says, staring at the mess. “I was going to make you breakfast and surprise you?”

“Well, I’m certainly surprised,” Leonard said dryly. 

“I’ll clean it up, Bones. You can go back to sleep,” Jim mumbles, thinking his boyfriend is upset. 

Leonard shakes his head. “Go take a shower, Jim. I’ll get this, it’s okay. But maybe I should do most of the cooking while you’re getting your strength back.”

“Are you sure? Cause I can totally-”

“Go,” Leonard says sternly, pointing towards the bathroom. “I’ve got it.”

“Thanks, Bones,” Jim says with a smile, reaching for a washcloth to wipe his face. “You’re the best.”

“Yeah, and you’d better not forget it,” Leonard grumbles as Jim slides past, leaving the washcloth by the sink. He sighs, deciding the best option would be to strip to his boxers in an attempt to save his pants from the mess as he hears the water start in the bathroom. 

“Dammit, Jim,” he mutters, tossing his pants to the safety of the living room and reaching for the paper towels he bought in case of times like this. “You’re an idiot, kid, you know that?”

By the time Jim leaves the shower, Leonard has cleaned up the kitchen and is pouring cereal into two bowls, his pants safely retrieved from the floor and re-donned.. He glances up as Jim walks back in, his still wet hair styled up into a mohawk.

“Whadd’ya think, Bones? Should I start a new Starfleet style?”

“You look like a two year old,” Bones scoffs. “I uh, made you cereal.”

Jim fakes surprise. “For me, Bones? You shouldn’t have!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Leonard grumbles. “I need to do some grocery shopping, but I’ll start cooking more as soon as I go to the store.Do you want me to do that French toast I used to do in the Academy again?”

Jim grins. “Absolutely! I loved that stuff. You’re awesome.”

“Yeah, I damn well am, putting up with your sorry ass,” Leonard only half-jokes, picking at his cereal. “I’ll run to the store in a little bit. You need anything?”  
Jim shakes his head. “Not that I can think of. Wait, yeah. Um, a toothbrush. I think mine’s somewhere on the ship still. I don’t think I’ve brushed my teeth since before I ended up in the hospital.”

Leonard laughs. “Okay, fair enough. I need a new one too, so thanks for the reminder, I guess.”

“No problem,” Jim smiles, and then yawns. “I think I might go take a nap now.” He drops his spoon into his cereal bowl and pushes his chair back.

“That’s fine, darlin,” Leonard assures as he grabs the bowls. “I’ll do the dishes and run to the store. If you wake up and you need anything, comm me and let me know, okay?”

“’Kay,” Jim mumbles, standing up and stumbling towards the bedroom. “Than’s, Bones.”

“Of course, Jim,” Leonard says as he turns on the water. “Any time.”

He slips out the door a few minutes later, the sounds of Jim’s snores echoing softly through the apartment.

\--------

When Leonard returns from the store, laden with bags, it’s been a few hours longer than he expected and he’s wondering if Jim is still asleep.

“Jim? Darlin’?”

There’s no response, so he assumes Jim’s still asleep and tiptoes through the apartment, doing everything as quietly as he can. After he’s finally put everything away, he goes to check on Jim, only to find an empty bed. Panic starts to set in before he notices the note on the pillow, which he grabs with shaking hands.

‘Bones- gone for a walk. Need to think about some stuff and get some fresh air and exercise. Don’t worry, I won’t overdo it. Be back soon. Comm me if you need me. -Jim’

Leonard sighs and sits down heavily on the bed, panic abating. After a few minutes, his stomach rumbles, and he realizes that it’s closer to time for dinner than lunch. Sighing, he picks up his comm and taps out a message to Jim, asking what he wants for dinner. Leonard’s been living on replicated pizza and macaroni from the hospital while Jim’s been gone, but he needs to change that now, especially if he wants Jim to continue eating healthier. It’s not long before his comm pings with a reply from Jim.

**To:** McCoy, Leonard H., Lt. Commander. **From:** Kirk, James T., Captain. **Received:** 2259.120 1843 ‘Whatever you want is fine. I was thinking maybe hamburgers, but if you want something different that’s fine. On my way back home. ETA 10 mins.’

**To:** Kirk, James T., Captain. **From:** McCoy, Leonard H., Lt. Commander. **Sent:** 2259.120 1844. ‘Hamburgers sound good. Should be done in about half an hour. Grab chips or potato salad if you want any. See you soon.’

With a groan, Leonard pushes himself up off the bed and trudges into the kitchen to start dinner, half-hoping Jim would walk through the door right then with a bag of fast food. 

“No, Leonard,” he mutters to himself. “Just cook for once. You and Jim both need something to eat. Just make some hamburgers and a salad and call it good.”

So that’s what he does. He doesn’t go for fancy or anything, just goes for food. Concentrates on chopping lettuce and not his hand. Smushing the ground hamburger into patties and not burning himself putting them into the oven. 

“Hey Bones,” Jim calls as he closes the door behind him. “It smells good in here. I got some potato salad on the way home, thought you might like it.”

“Hmm?” Leonard jerks upright, nearly falling out of his chair after dozing off. “Oh, thanks, Jim. Burgers’ll be done in a minute, go ahead and grab a salad if you want. Want anything to drink?”

“Just a water. Did you move the bowls?”

Leonard frowns and thinks as he orders two glasses of water from the replicator, knowing Jim prefers the filtered stuff. “Uh, yeah, I did, actually. Cupboard next to the sink,” he says as he remembers that they used to be next to the refrigerator and the oven beeps.

“Oh. You want a bowl?” Jim asks, grabbing two anyway.

“Sure. I’ll get it in a sec, right after I pull these out,” Leonard says, reaching for an oven mitt to get the hamburgers with. “Dinner is served, I guess. Sorry it’s not fancy.”

Jim hands him a bowl and drops his own salad-laden one on the table. “Bones, you know me, I’d eat takeout every day if you’d let me.”

“Speaking of, we should eat those leftovers tomorrow,” Leonard says as he gathers his own salad. “Before they go bad.”

“Shit, yeah. Or they could be a midnight snack,” Jim says, and Leonard raises an eyebrow. “Okay, or not,” Jim concedes, stabbing his salad.

Leonard has nothing else to say on the matter, so he gets two plates down and gets food for the both of them, placing Jim’s gently on the table before sitting down.

Jim picks at his food for the rest of the night, sullenly pushing his salad around and eating his hamburger in small bites, not even touching the potato salad Leonard knows he loves.

“Jim, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” Jim says, dropping his fork. “I think I’m just gonna go to bed.”

“Jim.” Leonard’s tone is enough to stop the blond in his tracks. “Sit down. I know you, kid. I’m your best friend, your boyfriend, and your doctor. You’re not okay, so you’re gonna tell me what’s wrong right now or I’m taking you back to the hospital.”

“’m just tired, Bones,” Jim mumbles.

“Bullshit. Tell me the truth.”

Jim sighs and looks his boyfriend- _Can I even still call him that?_ , he wonders briefly,- in the eye. “You really want to know? Cause you might not like it,” he spits out bitterly.

“Yeah, I want to fucking know,” Leonard returns, just as harshly. “Spit it out, Jim. You’ve never seemed to have a problem with telling anyone harsh things in the past.”

“You’re the problem, Bones.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’ve been awake almost two weeks and you haven’t touched me once. I’m willing to bet that you didn’t even hold my hand when I was in the coma, either. I thrive on contact, Bones. You know this. You know I’m receptive to touch. Hell, I even made a grumpy bastard like you more receptive to touch. You’d think someone with a doctorate in psychology would be able to realize that someone receptive to touch needs to be, oh, I don’t know, touched, especially after going through what can be classified as a major trauma. So yeah, you’re the problem, Bones.”

Leonard begins to reach out for Jim’s hand. “Jim, I- I’m sorry, okay. But you have to realize that this was hard on me too. You were dead, Jim. I was scared that if I touched you I’d hurt you, or worse, you’d be cold and dead again and saving you would have been a dream. And then, when you first woke up, you completely ignored me and I was just mad and I didn’t know what to do. So yeah, I held back, and I’m sorry. You’re right, I should have realized. I guess I just wanted to make sure you were really okay before I did anything because honestly, I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you again,” he says, voice cracking at the end.

Jim allows his hand to float out and touch Leonard’s, bringing it to his cheek. “Bones, I’m here, and I’m alive because of you. It’s all because of you, Bones, I hope you know that. And I’m not going anywhere, not for a long, long time, not if I can help it.”

“You promise?” Leonard whispers, and Jim nods. 

“Hold that thought for just a sec,” Jim murmurs, letting Leonard’s hand go and disappearing into the bedroom and returning after a moment. “In fact, if you’ll have me, I’d like to stay with you forever.” He drops to one knee and pulls out a box. “Leonard Horatio McCoy, you mean everything to me, and I know we have days where we aren’t at our best together, and I’ll be damned if this isn’t one of them, but there’s no better time to say it. So Bones, will you marry me?”

“Oh, yes, Jim, God yes,” Leonard says, pulling Jim up and kissing him for the first time in far too long. 

“I’ve missed you, Bones,” Jim says when they finally pull apart, his forehead resting against his new fiance’s.

“I’ve missed you too, Jim,” Leonard breathes. “Now shut up and give me the ring, you damn hick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I could totally do an epilogue about the wedding if you guys want? Maybe?  
> But seriously, thank you, Heather. This was an incredible prompt and I know I wasn't quite prompt with it (okay it's three am everyone laugh at my joke please), but it was so fun to write! This is the longest thing I've ever written, and it's quite possibly the one I am proudest of. I hope I've pleased you!  
> And thank you to everyone else who's read this monster. You guys make me smile!

**Author's Note:**

> (also sorry i suck at writing smut so much *hides*)


End file.
